Royal Decree, background for the Root Beast

A Royal Decree? Yes. No explanation necessary, because that would be beyond the scope of the usual blog post. Also, let’s see who can spot the most woodworking references before checking out the commented transcript further down! Enjoy, and remember to Be Inspired!

The Royal Decree explained

And now? You might have seen the Royal Decree video as a roleplaying backdrop for the Root Beast Trophy, but did you hear everything? This text has been pelted with woodworking terminology (in a sense) until it would not take any more, and here it is, with all the meaning crammed into it. I hope I did not explain too much, but better too much than too little I think:

There is an evil creature roaming the land. It has been augered [as in auger bit, instead of augured] in ancient times, and Oakbreaker [as in Oathbreaker] and Grainslayer [as in Kinslayer] it has been named. It resembles an ostrich [Steve Ramsey’s Ostrich board] with huge wings, two by four [2×4] spans wide, and the tail of a dove [dovetail, as in dovetail joint], the eyes of a ram [ram’s eyes… Ramsey… Sorry] and the wedges of a fox [as in fox wedged tennon] . It’s breath smells of burnt wood [wood burning, obviously] and it’s beak spouts arcrylibly [acrylic, as in surface finish stuff, and as in ‘incredibly’]polysenous [as in poly, polyurethane, another surface finish, and as in poisenous] fangs.

It has been known to rip [as in rip cut]grooves [you know what that means] through the land, crosscut [obvious, I hope] the countryside and leave whole villages shakered [as in the Shaker style] and rabbeted [rabbet, and as in riveted] by fear. Its twisted houweling [as in Jack Houweling – another homage], like a spoke shaving [as in spokeshave] across oilstone [as in sharpening equipment, and the whole sentence as in nails on a chalkboard. Be a little flexible], resinates [as in resin, and as in resonates] whenever it cuts down [as in cutting down a tree] another victim. If you from your table saw [ahem.] it would drift [as in drift wood, or a band saw’s drift] closer, or hear it scraping on the cards [as in card scraper] of your roof, glue-up [as in board up] your doorframes [kind obvious and generic] and close your shutters [still generic, but slightly less thanks to April], hide under the headboard [also less generic thanks to Jay (just one example)] and wait for it to route [well, router] by. If the beast does not trim flush [as in flush trim bit] your house and you think the dust has collected [as in dust collection, and as in the dust has settled], scribe [as in what you do with a marking gauge] your way to the door, and from that angle gauge [well… angle gauge] the safety of the day [as in (woodworking) safety day].

To you mere mortals [Steve Ramsey again], it should be plane [as in, say, block plane, and as in plain] not to approach this creature, it is a high volume beast and it takes low pressure [as in HVLP, a spray system] to unleash its wrath. Try to tackle it without the proper arts and crafts [as in arts and crafts style] of combat will result in deadly kickback [as in a dangerous occurrence on the table saw], leaving you in splinters [one of the ways for wood to give back]. If you would [well… wood] go after it you should joint [as in jointing boards] with like-minded adventurers in order to be able to clamp [yeah…] the beast to the cutting board [as in a project I have been told every woodworker makes at some point. There are too many to pick a link] once and for all, and make sure your blades are tense [as in blade tension on a band saw] and your knives riving [as in riving knife, important safety feature on a table saw/circular saw]. Even if you use proper bates [as in Jay Bates, and as in baits] make sure your party is strong, else she lack [as in shellac. Seriously.] the power to overcome the monstrosity.  If your band saw [I hope it is obvoious] it in the sky but it tore out [as in tear-out] from your grasp, report to a scribe’s scroll where you saw [as in scroll saw] it, so it’s pattern of moulding [as in moulding pattern, decorative elements in wood] can be discerned.

If this foul creature meets its endgrain [Uhm… yes.] by your hand tools [Obvious], reclaim [as in reclaimed wood, an important strategy to get some wood] the reward of fourty and two [42, the answer. Douglas Adams]pallets [well, pallety. Go and reclaim some], ladden with select treasures from across the lands. A nut-chest [yes, it is kinda clumsy, but chestnut…] made by the finest designer craftsmen [had to mention the Wood Whisperer somewhere] from the order of whispers [kinda related to the one before, but actually there is such an organisation in the MMORPG Guild Wars], and enough annual rings [as in growth rings of a tree, and as in rings, i.e. treasure] for a future full of green and greener [as in the Greene & Greene style] pastures. If your pattern [as in pattern bit] turns [as in wood turning] out to be heroic enough, there might also be a candlestick [as in something often turned as an exercise]-light dinner with a chamfering [as in chamfer, a broken edge, and as in charming] prince or princess in it for you.

This is by royal decree of King Woodwor [my favorit… as in woodwor king] III, sander of belts [as in belt sander], guard of the blades [as in blade guard], and jack of all lumber [as in a mix of lumberjack and jack of all trades].

In case this did not make for light reading with all the comments, here is the uncommented version of the decree:

There is an evil creature roaming the land. It has been augered in ancient times, and Oakbreaker and Grainslayer it has been named. It resembles an ostrich with huge wings, two by four spans wide, and the tail of a dove, the eyes of a ram and the wedges of a fox. It’s breath smells of burnt wood and it’s beak spouts arcrylibly polysenous fangs.

It has been known to rip grooves through the land, crosscut the countryside and leave whole villages shakered and rabbeted by fear. Its twisted houweling, like a spoke shaving across oilstone, resinates whenever it cuts down another victim. If you from your table saw it would drift closer, or hear it scraping on the cards of your roof, glue-up your doorframes and close your shutters, hide under the headboard and wait for it to route by. If the beast does not trim flush your house and you think the dust has collected, scribe your way to the door, and from that angle gauge the safety of the day.

To you mere mortals, it should be plane not to approach this creature, it is a high volume beast and it takes low pressure to unleash its wrath. Try to tackle it without the proper arts and crafts of combat will result in deadly kickback, leaving you in splinters. If you wood go after it you should joint with like-minded adventurers in order to be able to clamp the beast to the cutting board once and for all, and make sure your blades are tense and your knives riving. Even if you use proper bates make sure your party is strong, else she lack the power to overcome the monstrosity.  If your band saw it in the sky but it tore out from your grasp, report to a scribe’s scroll where you saw it, so it’s pattern of moulding can be discerned.

If this foul creature meets its endgrain by your hand tools, reclaim the reward of fourty and two pallets, ladden with select treasures from across the lands. A nut-chest made by the finest designer craftsmen from the order of whispers, and enough annual rings for a future full of green and greener pastures. If your pattern it turns out to be heroic enough, there might also be a candlestick-light dinner with a chamfering prince or princess in it for you.

This is by royal decree of King Woodwor III, sander of belts, guard of the blades, and jack of all lumber.

I hope you enjoyed this little piece, both the trophy as well as the “embedding”. Look forward to more fantasy pieces coming soon, and thanks for watching, and reading!